Last friday, I went to a shelter for horses. I was looking to volunteer. When I got there, they had not only horses, but also a couple of dogs, some birds and a kitten. Kittens weren't their specialty though, and the kitten was very much dehydrated and hypothermic.

I decided to take him home and give him the care I could. The people of the shelter dropped me off at my old clinic to have a look at him. He had Feline Influenza, but from what I could tell, he was way too weak for the symptoms he was showing. The vet confirmed my suspicions. She also warned me I might not be able to help this one because it was so weak. It was possible he had Leucosis or FIV. She gave him an warm IV in an effort to try and warm him up. I went home, hoping he'd pull through.

Once home, he refused to eat. I forcefed him some food and water, and went to bed after desinfecting myself. The next day, I checked up on him. He was ok, and even purred at me when I held him, till I forcefed him some more. He started squirming, and meowing. His tummy was clearly hurting. Some time later, he was just lying there, breathing through his mouth, NOT a good sign. So I called the on-call vet. He told me the kitten wouldn't last the weekend with those symptoms. So I went to the clinic, scared I'd have to leave him behind.

Once there, the vet told me he still responded quite good, and he gave him some anti-worming medication, some de-licing, and the IV treatment again. He also told me to take the IV home and do it several times again during the weekend, to get him hydrated and warm. He was still severely hypothermic. I also got some food that was easier to forcefeed and especially made for these kinda circumstances. The vet told me the kitten still had a shot. So I went home reassured.

At home, I made him something we call 'kersenpitje'. It's a bag of cherry pits, which can be warmed in the microwave. I put him on those bags, put a lamp on him for extra heat, covered him up, and forcefed him some more. Reassured, I left to let him rest.

When I checked up on him again, he had moved from the pillows, onto the cold floor! After that, I checked up on him every 15 minutes, to every time find him on the floor. I wanted to keep him close and use my body heat, but the risk to my own cats would've been too great, and the room he was staying in was too small for a person to comfortably sit. I pondered what to do during the night.

I decided to do the IV and get him warm again before going to bed. I went up there with the IV, ready to put it in, and lifted him up to put him in position, when... He squeeled really loudly, three times. He squirmed, so I put him down. There he fell to the floor, something he did often because he was so weak and just wanted to lie. However, when I touched him, he was limp. Completely limp. I didn't wanna believe it. I hurried with the IV, all the while trying to revive him. Nothing. I tapped his eyes, tried to find his pulse, and tried to watch him breathe. I couldnt' see a thing. I figured I was just too riled up to notice and called my boyfriend. He too didn't see any lifesigns. I called the vet, who walked me through the procedure to check... He had passed away.

I couldn't believe it. I left, in tears, after putting him in his box. I checked on him regularly, no movement. When we finally went to bed, I checked one last time. Rigor had started to set in. But he still looked so alive, just sleeping (probably because of all the water I'd administered through the IV).

I'd already found him a good home and everything. He was to go to the same home as Shadow. The people were ready to give him a name, Gizmo (his previous name had been Doritos). Now I had to tell them I'd failed.

The next day, I went to my parents place. They have a big garden and a lot of cats as well as my grandmothers ashes had found their last resting place there. Once there, I dug a grave next to my grandmothers memorial flower bed. I checked over and over to make sure I wasn't burrying him alive (I know, it seems silly but you cannot help it). I finally was able to say goodbye and put him in. The next hurdle was tossing earth on him. Then, when he was burried, I still had to walk away and leave him there..all alone. I've rarely had to do so many hard things right after each other.

I finally mustered the courage to do so, after promissing him that I would be back to visit soon. It has been two days, and I still well up when I think of him. He wasn't even in my life for two days yet, but it is never easy to lose a patient, especially one so little and helpless. His life was filled with suffering, and I do find some small comfort in knowing that he at least is no longer feeling pain. It seems no fair though, being only 8 weeks on this planet and sufffer so greatly already without experiencing the good things of life. Especially considering the rest of his life would've been paradise with good owners...

PS pictures will still follow, as well as a story on him in the section 'In Memoriam', though I dunno when that will be