Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.
9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute, but expensive clothes within three months.
7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college education.
5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason why kittens are better than babies:
1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.
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Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 -Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?

Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.

Day 777 - The wardens take much interest in our shit. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in shit does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.

Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't even believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. Then I broke the bad news. "You know why that dog licks his nuts?" I said, "It's because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift." I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.

Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick, it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but -- the Sphinx be praised -- I support it wholeheartedly!

Day 780 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucenogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am the captor! Why haven't I seen this all before?

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Rules For Cats To Live By
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't move around too much.

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
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Genesis Reworded

On the first day of creation, God created the cat....
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat....
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the cat....

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor
for the good of the cat....
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might
or might not play with it....
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat
healthy and the man broke....
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....

Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen!
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And God Created The Cat

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked
with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome
here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love
for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged
his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and
loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He
struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no
one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know
that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat
would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes,
he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They're totally unpredictable.

They whine when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They're moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.
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The Laws of Cat Physics

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to
change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot
in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible
nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section
of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount
of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human
expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

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Is Your Cat Normal?

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following
questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two
hours in non-stop eating?

2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as
in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top
of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair bedspread?

3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to
stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch
him eat?

5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy
any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be
misconstrued as his competition?

6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all
property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if
you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered 'yes' to most of these questions . . . relax,
your cat is normal!
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A cat's love

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
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How to Give A Cat A Pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a DOG a pill
Wrap it in bacon.
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Why Cats Are Better Than Women

A cat doesn't know what a remote control is.
A cat loves you until it dies.
You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it knows you do.
A cat likes to be petted, anywhere, anytime.
Cats don't expect breakfast in the morning.
Cats don't ly, quibble, argue, pout.
Everything you do is interesting.
Cats need little space, a sunny spot in the window will do.
Cats don't smoke, drink, do drugs.
You don't have to tell a cat it's pretty.
A cat doesn't care if you haven't shaved for two days.
A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you.
Cats love to scrap bills and taxforms.
You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents on it's birthday.
You don't need to buy your cats mother expensive presents on her birthday.
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Why Cats are Better than Men

1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.

13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

16. Better chance of training a cat.

17. Cats are cute.

18. A cat is never late for dinner.

19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.

21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

22. Cats treat your mom with respect.

23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

24. I feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.

25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.

26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p

28. Cats actually think with their heads.

29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.

32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
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How To Clean A Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
the Dog
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Listen to Mother!

A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.

At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.

The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"

Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"

Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"

Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!"
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CAT COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off of the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor, as thou art not transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou will fall in and trap thy self.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat, just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
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The Cat and The Husband

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
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